Believing and Hearing

The world does not fully know the works of God. These can be clearly seen with the world, but only God is the one who can open the eyes to see. Without Christ, we are unable to believe or hear the word of God. It is only through faithful followers is the word preached or told, then God is able to work inside a person to bring them into a revelation of Himself. It took a suicide attempt back right after I graduated college for me to fully grasp the wickedness that I was living in. This revealing is still taking place as God has continued to move in my life to make me the man that He has called me to be.

God worked through me trying to end my life by preserving my life as well as those who could have been hurt or killed due to my careless actions. The event all started with me going to the college campus to enjoy the Halloween parties that were going on. I drank heavily due to my numbing of the pain that I had been feeling since high school. This pain was caused by many factors, from feeling abandoned by my father to the drugs/medications that I was taking for Tourette Syndrome and my depression it caused. I was feeling tired of having to deal with all these jerks and movements by my body that I had no control of. My mom felt like my only solace from these pains, though, she would be taken from me only a few months later. After drinking heavily and interacting with other students that were on the campus at that time, I eventually blacked out and began to drive my car back to my townhouse that was 30 minutes from school. I had no clue what was going on and did not regain conciousness until I woke up on my couch the next morning. I eventually called a friend of mine and sought to find a church due to the fact that I had somehow survived the night due to the grace of God. I also remembered a friend that I was in a fraternity with that talked about church and being a Christian. It was with this information that I started going to a local church a few weeks later. God truly began to work in my life to have me believing all that I was hearing from the believers that were in my life at that time.

God’s Mercy

God’s will does not always have our will at the forefront. His will is what determines the events and has them unfold. We can mock or disagree with this mindset, but in truth, it still prevails. God is in control and that is something that in the mind of an unbeliever is hard to grasp. For many years, my mind struggled with this thought as I buried myself deep within my suicidal thoughts. I could not grasp how a God could love me so much. This though only changed when he intervened during a drunk driving experience that showed me that God does have mercy on me and truly does love me.

His love and mercy would come at a time that I most needed it. This was right before the passing of my mom, which was very devastating to me. Having one of the only people who truly knew me and the inner struggles that I had going on was suddenly in my eyes ripped from me. This leaving me to myself to understand what life truly was in this very cruel world. God, though, had bigger plans for my life in that this was the beginning of my salvation story that would bring me into a relationship with him. I had no clue how much of a whirlwind of emotions and experiences lie ahead of me, but I moved forward with my eyes on Christ and forming relationships with a faith family that cemented the start of my faith journey. I eventually left that church and joined one that through discipleship, I broke free of the bondage I was in at the time and surrendered my life to Christ and got baptized. God truly performed a miracle by saving me and having mercy on my lost soul.

When life seems like it has the best of you, turn to our God. He will show you that you have already been rescued through the blood of Jesus Christ who now wants a relationship with you. Run to Him during those times of struggle as well as the joyous times to rest in Him as well as rejoice. Be blessed and know that there is a God who loves you and has done everything for you. His mercy is truly amazing. Until next time be blessed.

 

That Numb Feeling

Apathy - lack of motivation to do anything or having no care about what is happening around you.

The feeling of apathy is something that I have felt all too real as of late. Being apathetic was not just a feeling that I all of a sudden came upon. It was something that has been building up inside me over the years that eventually came to light recently. For the longest time, I was not fully sure of what it was that has been causing most of my pain over the years. This feeling led me all the way back to my years in elementary school, 6th grade to be exact. I was first diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome during this time and this would forever affect how I was perceived and how I began to view the world that was around me. I began to take medications for the tics to help me manage them and it seemed to be doing fine until I was in high school when I become depressed after being on one of the many I was on at that time. I was then prescribed Zoloft to help with the depressed moods that I was going through. I am unsure of exactly, but a few weeks later after not taking the medication, I began to have a rage attack after being caught viewing pornography. I then came to from the attack that had me blacked out and proceeded to go to my bathroom and slit my arm. I still had the scar on my right arm all the way until a few years ago.

Once being off the medications, the pain was then turned to alcohol which I used to suppress it due to the uncomfortableness that it brought to my life. I was able to make friends in college and proceeded to indulge in the activities of the parties with the alcohol and eventually smoking marijuana. I was truly in a state of depression that I had no way of getting out of. One of the things that happened in high school when I was 15 was that I lost my virginity and pretty much had sex all throughout high school until I was almost 19. I would then not have sex until I was married which was about 12 years later. I am unsure how much mental damage this did to my mind as I was actively into pornography during this time frame. I also view my first pornographic material when I was 8 years old. Crazy how that is when I think about it over 30 years later. 

The apathy in life was beginning to mount and this added with the fact that I became aware of conspiracy theories when I was around 25 years old. These theories put a lot of information into my brain, almost at times like it was in overdrive. I became paranoid about government and institutions and the control that they had over world events. I eventual uncovered material that made me feel and even feel at times today that it does not matter how much we try, there are people in power doing everything they can to keep those like them from ever truly succeeding in this world. I have bought into this hook line and sinker, though, I do feel that a good portion of it could be correct due to the fact that we are actually in a spiritual war for our souls. 

I truly know that it is only through Christ that I am able to truly break free from this bondage that I have pulled myself into. I am thankful for family and friends that are around me that truly care about my wellbeing and seeing me get the help that I have need to defeat these demons that have been in my past and truly live the life that Christ has called me to and rid myself of the apathy that I have brought on my life. God can do the same for you if you only believe in the power that the gospel holds. Until next time, take care and God Bless.

Nothing Can Separate Us

 

No amount of evil that comes before us can separate those that love and follow Christ. His love for us surpasses all things and defeats them all. Even through mental illness and suicidal thoughts, Christ is able to break through and conquer the heart and mind. Being in a state of apathy and depression these last years, I have felt a strong pull to get me away from Christ, my savior. Now about to start treatment, my mind is devoted more than ever to follow Christ and know that NOTHING can ever separate me from Jesus Christ!

When feeling depressed, the feeling of the love of Christ is pretty much ignored and only the feelings that brought on the depression are felt. This can be a lonely feeling that I have felt all too well during many times in my life. From high school when I was taking medication for my Tourette Syndrome to help with the tics to college where I drank myself to the points where I blacked out to numb the pain that my body was going through to recently when I tried to shoot myself in the head after the hundredth time it seemed like that I was doing the wrong thing with my marriage/parenting. These are a few of the times where I have felt at my lowest and unsure of where to turn. God, though, has continued to bring me closer to him and an understanding now that no matter what in my life is happening He will never leave me and I will never be removed from His grasp.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

This comes from the passage in Romans 8:35-39 which describes the unbreakable love of God towards believers and serves as a source of encouragement and hope for Christians. It is emphasized in the idea that nothing in the world, no matter how difficult, can separate a believer from the love of God. The passage is one of great assurance and comfort for believers, reminding them that they are loved and protected by God, and that no matter what happens in their lives, they can always rely on God's steadfast love and support.

I hope this bring comfort to someone who may be struggling with depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. Remember that Through Christ all things are possible and nothing can remove you from the love that He has for you. Reach out and tell someone what you are going through, it will definitely ease the pain of knowing that someone does really care about you. Until next time, take care and God Bless.

It Has Been Awhile

It has been almost 10 years since my last blog post. There have been many changes in my life since the last post. I will go through the changes more in depth in due time, but I am now 7 years into being married and have 4 beautiful children. We have also joined a wonderful church that is so loving during the high and very low times of life.

In this, I will post for encouragement and inspiration, understanding from a topic, and self reflection from journal entries.

Looking forward to this journey again. Until next time, God Bless.