A Passion For Running

The feel of a cool breeze and texture of the pavement or dirt as the shoes touch the ground help to describe a sport that has become one of my favorite. Running became a passion of mine when I was in high school and joined the cross country team. It is one of the few activities that helps me with my Tourette Syndrome and calms my tics. Being able to grab my running shoes and find a dirt path in the woods helps me to clear my mind of all the distractions that are going on in my life and to sort through the issues. Running is a sport where you can be with groups of people and run together or go off by yourself and spend it alone with yourself, nature and God. I like to use my time running to be with my Heavenly Father and meditate on the scriptures.

Running for me started out horribly and never seemed to be something that calmed my tics. I was distracted and frustrated by the movements that the TS caused me to make with my legs when I first started to run. It made it difficult and made me want to quit before I even got into it. I stuck with it, though, and now 16 years later I can say with much discipline that I am able to run for long periods of time. Waking up at 5am in the morning to get ready for a run seemed like one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, but over time I able to look back and see the results of this one action during one day. You add that action up over weeks, months, even years and you begin to see how much time is really devoted to this one activity in your life. The result of this in the form of a medal or race completion under your belt which can help to make that dedication worth the effort put in. I am currently training for my 4th half marathon this fall and 1st marathon this spring and getting to this point was not an easy one. It is amazing, though, to look back and see how something so frustrating can turn out to be one of passions as well as something that bring about a great sense of calmness. You may be wondering if I still tic when I run? The answer to that is, of course I still do and I also get the anxiety to kick in before a race. It can be frustrating but, I don't let it control me or take my focus off of running.

The discipline that I have taken to the sport of running has changed my view on life over the years. By being a runner, it helps when you are on a schedule (although getting out of a routine can also be really fun) and follow it to stay focused on a particular goal. Whether that goes is to lose weight, stay in shape or run a race. Sticking to these schedules or staying up on your training can help you realize the importance of hard work as well as seeing that this mindset applies to all areas of our lives. When you are in school and studying for a test; at work and trying to meet a deadline; or even trying to save up for something of your particular interest, it is good to be disciplined in our actions. I have also noticed over the years that with some hard work I have been able to control my tics when I need to and have them not have as much impact on my life in certain situations as in the past (although they do seem to come out when they want to from time to time). Overall, hard work and dedication are two of the important things that both running and the Tourette's have shown me over my life. As long as your focused and willing to reach your goals, there is nothing that can stand in your way.

Stay strong and don't ever give up! Until next time, Take care and God Bless.

Camp Twitch and Shout

This past week marked the 6th year of Camp Twitch and Shout. The camp is for children who are ages 7 to 17 who have been diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. The camp is a partner with Camp Twin Lakes and is located in Winder, GA. For more information, you can visit their website at, http://www.camptwitchandshout.org or their Facebook page at, https://www.facebook.com/camptwitchandshout. When I first heard about this camp, I first thought, it would have been great if there was a camp like this when I was young.

I finally got the privilege of attending the camp for the first time this past week as a camp counselor. I was a little unsure of what I was getting myself into, but excited about how the week would play out. Having a small experience with children felt like it wouldn't help, although, having Tourette Syndrome seemed to help make up for any of these insecurities. The week started off with a training day for the counselors, and boy did I feel the nerves and anxiety going into this day. After meeting and getting to know some of the other counselors helped to calm these down, even though my tics seemed to be out in full force. I was glad that I don't have any of my vocals tics at the moment, but could definitely feel for those whose vocals were definitely noticed. One thing I knew for sure, was that this was the place to let go and not worry about what other people are thinking about your tics.

I finally got to the camp location and met all of my co-counselors for my cabin and continued to feel pretty stoked at how the week was going to go and being able work along these fine young people. The training day and up until the campers arrived mainly consisted of getting to know each other and playing games as well as singing some songs that we would eventually sing with the campers. My favorite song of the camp was the one that is the camp song, "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly. The camp sure does a great job in making everyone there feel like the world's greatest. Other songs that we sung were Peanut Butter Jelly Time and Ice Cream and Cake. I ended the night of the training day at around 2am, which definitely made me exhausted the next morning once the campers came, but I didn't let that phase me.

When the campers came, my tics definitely seemed to be going crazy out of nervousness as well as excitement. We ended up getting 11 great kids to spend the week with and enjoy all the activities that the camp had provided in the schedule. Getting to know these kids was a big highlight of the week, but seeing them interact with each other as well as enjoy just being kids was even better and felt so rewarding. Some of these activities were swimming in the pool, rock climbing, archery, kickball, dodgeball (played this more times than I can remember), and fishing. Capture the flag or Da-nu-waw (what it is called at camp). Da-nu-waw basically consisted of capture the flag (or orbs), defeating villains, or finding clues around the camp. Out of the evening activities, the favorite of mine was the dance. Starting the first day of camp, all that seems to be talked about is the dance and who is taking who to the dance. The other evening activities included the Street Fair, Talent Show, and Pool Party/Luau. The theme going on through the week, which seemed to flow pretty nicely with the week, was a time warp. The week started with being a tacky tourist then went through the 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s finally ending at the theme of the dance which was, Your Future Self.

All that aside, I found this camp to be filled with awesome people and those who are dedicated to the awareness and constant pursuit of finding the best in someone living with or affected by Tourette Syndrome. My anxiety hit me pretty hard halfway through the week, but I ended up finishing the week pretty strongly and in control of my tics and anxiety. I definitely feel that this camp helped to change me in a great and powerful way. I hands down recommend this camp to anyone who has Tourette Syndrome or knows someone who does, you will not regret going. This was one of the most joyous experiences that I have had in a long time and one where I felt most comfortable in my own skin. I will definitely be back next year in 2015 and can't wait for that week to begin. Until next time, God Bless.

When Evil Thoughts Invade

Explanation

 

Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with something at times that can be very dangerous to have, especially someone with OCD like me. What I have been struggling with is called intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that are unwanted, feel uncontrollable, and often pertain to disturbing or distressing themes. There are three different types of these thoughts; inappropriate aggressive thoughts, inappropriate sexual thoughts, or blasphemous religious thoughts. Of these three, the one that I suffer with is the first one, the inappropriate aggressive thoughts. 

Examples

Here are some examples of these to help with the understanding:

Inappropriate Aggressive Thoughts

• imagining or wishing harm upon someone close to oneself
• impulses to shout at or abuse someone, or attack and violently punish someone, or say something rude, inappropriate, nasty, or violent to someone.

Inappropriate Sexual Thoughts

• thoughts of "kissing, touching, fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, and rape" with "strangers, acquaintances, parents, children, family members, friends, coworkers, animals and religious figures", involving "heterosexual or homosexual content" with persons of any age

Blasphemous Religious Thoughts

• sexual thoughts about God, saints, and religious figures
• fears of sinning or breaking a religious law or performing a ritual incorrectly
• urges or impulses to say blasphemous words or commit blasphemous acts during religious services.

Battling Tactics

Although these thoughts can be very disturbing, the possibility that anyone will act on these thoughts that has them, is very low. If these thoughts are causing torment and pain for the person, these are thoughts that are very traumatizing for the individual and one that the person would never think of actually acting out themselves. The hardest part of these thoughts, is that trying to forget about them or dismiss them causes them to stay around and increase in their intensity. Here are some ways that I use to help battle these thoughts and help to calm myself down during these attack, which I believe to also be demonic in origin.

1. Pray - pour your heart out to God and let him know what you are going through. He is ultimately in control and knows what you are going through and how to help. Give him the burden so that you are able to rest easy.
2. Tell someone - if you are alone, call someone that you trust and tell them about what you are experiencing. They may be able to help or even pray for you. The advice and knowing that you are not alone in this battle will help defeat it more than doing it on your own.
3. Think positively (or about what you are thankful for) - these thoughts can sometimes stem from stress or negativity that is going on in your life. Trying to think positively or about the positives that are going on in your life may help to drive these negative thoughts away. Count your blessings and you may realize you are more blessed than you think.
4. Go for a walk (if it is safe outside) - going for a walk may help to get you out of the environment that may be causing these thoughts to begin with. For me, it usually begins once I start to lay down and fall asleep. Getting up and going for a walk, helps to remove me from that environment when the thoughts get intense.
5. Listen to music - putting on positive music or tunes that help make you happy or think on good things. Christian hymns that help to draw you closer to the savior seem to always be the best for me in this situation.

There are definitely more ways to battle these thoughts, but these are a few of the ones that I tend to use. These intrusive thoughts can be hard to overcome, but there is victory over them. This victory can come through a saving relationship with Jesus Christ through his death on the cross. This is why I put prayer as the first battle tactic because it is through Jesus Christ that these thoughts will ultimately be demolished and defeated. Although they may not be completely defeated while in these fleshly bodies, they will never be able to consume you if your trust is completely in him. Here are two links to articles that I used to help in writing this post:

• Intrusive thoughts http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thoughts
• How To Overcome Intrusive Thoughts http://ocdfree.tumblr.com/howtoovercomeintrusivethoughts

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Getting Away to Nature

Getting away from the grind and all the stress that life brings can be one of the most pleasant things to enjoy in this life. I had the chance to experience one of those times when I got the chance last weekend to go on a camping trip with some of the men from my church. We went to Unicoi Park located in Helen, GA. It was beautiful and a great place to just take in nature and the glory that God has made. Seeing God's handiwork up close is one of the ways to experience his glory and praise him for creating this beautiful world no matter how much it is stained by sin. Although, as beautiful as nature can be, it is just a taste of what will be experienced heaven and completely in the presence of our Holy God.

During this time in the woods, we had a chance to worship our Lord and Savior, which was great as well as listen to two different devotionals which dealt with being men of God. My favorite song, which was sung on the second morning, was In Christ Alone. This song helps to remind me that my trust and life need to be in Christ Alone and nothing else. The first of these devotionals included looking to the illustration of Abraham and Isaac when Abraham was told to sacrifice his only son that he waited so long to have as well as Jesus Christ and God as he was went to the cross to die for the sins of the world. The event of Abraham being called to sacrifice his son on an altar for God was a lesson in putting his full trust in God no matter what the situation was. Since Abraham passed this lesson, a ram showed up caught in a thicket which was to sacrificed instead of his son Isaac. The offering of the ram in place of Abraham's son is a foreshadowing of Jesus, God's only son, being offered instead of us on the cross for the penalty of the world's sins.

The other devotional dealt with the differences between men and women as well as a look into certain biblical characters that we can learn from. These people included Adam, Abraham and Jesus. Adam is seen as someone who we share in our sin nature. For Abraham, we also share in our sin nature, but also are to look with our faith as he did in trusting God and his will for our lives. For Jesus, even though we do not share in our sin nature with him, he did die for our sins completely (past, present and future). By trusting in Christ and what he did on the cross, we are able to rest in the confidence that we have eternal life with Christ for eternity after we die on this earth. This is a great thought!

I want to also mentioned the effect of my Tourette Syndrome on this camping trip at this time. My anxiety was in full effect when I first got to the site and it seemed like such a hard task to calm myself down. This feeling seemed to be due to the fact that I was having a hard time dealing with slowing myself down to the pace of camping and not being on a "go-go-go" mentality that I seem to be on majority of the time. Once the first night ended, the anxiety seemed to go away most of the time except when we were playing ultimate frisbee or football. Besides the anxiety that I was feeling, I also was dealing with a couple of tics which included, jerking my neck (which caused some neck pain) as well as a hand tic, which consisted of moving my fingers back and forth in a repetitive motion (this happened mainly when I was trying to fall asleep). These tics were hard to control, but when I did it felt a little easier to enjoy camping and the fellowship of the other men and boys from my church. 

In general, being out in nature and experiencing God's glory is an amazing feeling and one that I enjoy having the opportunity to do whenever I get the chance. The smell of the outdoors, campfire crackles, smores, hiking trails, beautiful scenery are many of the things that are experienced on a camping trip and can bring about lasting memories and experiences for years to come. Until next time, Take Care and God Bless everyone!

 

For The Love Of The Game

 

Spring is in the air and that means the weather is starting to become warmer and the trees and plants are beginning to look beautiful as God made them. The warmer weather also signals the time where the baseball season starts and that is a great thing for this guy. Baseball has been one of my many passions since I came to learn about it when I was 6 years old. I used to always want to get the paper and flip straight to the sports page, more specifically the baseball section. The box scores and game recaps were things of great reading while I was growing up. Living in Atlanta, the team I have always rooted for has been the Atlanta Braves. Through the nineties, they pretty much were winning the division with amazing pitching from players like John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux. With 14 National league titles and a World Championship won during the ninties, the Braves made themselves a team of force to reckon with. My favorite game to watch is a pitching duel between two great pitchers. I got to witness this and still love watching replays of it from the 1991 World Series Game 7 between John Smoltz and Jack Morris. The Braves lost the game, but it was an amazing game and baseball at its best!

 As some one who has Tourette Syndrome, playing sports was something that helped to relieve me of stress and take the focus off of tics. I still remember having tics that made it difficult when I was running as well as fielding when I was playing on defense. I pretty much played in the outfield and the tics drove me crazy while standing out there by myself for long periods of time. I also seemed to have this anxiety feeling whenever I was fielding and wanted the ball to go anywhere but where I was because of the fear that I would do something that would hurt the momentum that our team had or make the other team pound us even more with hits and runs. Even though I had this feeling, I still wanted to do well and help my team as much as possible to win the game. That competitive spirit still stood within me even though I had thoughts that would make me think otherwise. For anyone who is unsure how they will perform or that they are not doing what they could, stick with what you love and know that hard work does pay off when you strive to succeed.

Growing up I played baseball from the ages of 7 to 15 in a church league. My best year in the church league was my last one where we won the championship and during the season I had one game where I was hit by a pitch and then the next at bat got my very first triple. It was an amazing feeling and a great accomplishment that I felt at that time. I still continue to play, but usually it is whenever I can find time to grab a mitt or bat. The smell of the freshly cut grass at the beginning of the spring and each game is a memory that is etched in my mind since I started playing. Peanuts and cracker jacks are essentials at the ballpark as well as hearing the umpire yell, "You're Out!" after the batter gets three strikes. Even though, there are players that have used steroids and other enhancement drugs to increase their performance, I still feel that this sport is one of the best when it is at its purest form. Nothing beats standing in a box looking at a pitcher and knowing that one pitch could change the complete outcome of the game.

The Week Everything Changed

It is spring time and April which usually means one thing, that Easter upon us. For many this is a time to eat candy and look out for the a big bunny. Lost in this, though, is the Holy week that led up to the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. This week is important in the Christian religion during this time, although the events should be remembered all throughout the year since it is through the blood that was shed by Jesus Christ that we are able to experience a relationship with God and eternal life. Here is how the week plays out:

I. Palm Sunday
The week begins with Jesus beginning his journey to Jerusalem near Bethphage and Bethany. Jesus instructs two of his disciples to go and get him a colt that is untied. This action will lead to Jesus fulfilling the prophecy foretold in Zechariah 9:9, "Behold, your king is coming to you; righteous and having salvation is he, humble and mounted on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey." Once riding in to the city, there are cries of "Blessed is the King who come in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"(Luke 19:37) How quick these people were to cheer for Jesus and not really knowing the true purpose of his visit as these same people would later be calling for his death by the end of this week.

II. Clearing the Temple Monday
The next day we find Jesus coming to the temple and seeing it overrun by the corrupt money changers. He then begins to turn over the tables and clear the temple saying, "It is written, My house shall be a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of robbers." (Luke 19:46) After this he began his teaching in the temple with the chief priests and scribes looking to destroy or arrest him, but could not find a reason.

III. Mount of Olives Tuesday
This day included many of the teachings that Jesus did in his last days at the Mount of Olives as well as the challenging of the Jewish leaders of the authority of Jesus. The challenging of Jesus starts with the scribes and chief priests sending spies to ask him about taxes. "Is it lawful for us to give tribute to Caesar, or not?" (Luke 20:22) To which Jesus did not directly answer, but asked for a coin and from this asked whose face was on it. They replied with Caesar, to which Jesus responded by saying, "render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's" (Luke 20:25) This means that we are to pay secular (worldly) duties to those of the world and to God, what is his.

After this, Jesus is questioned by the Sadducees about the resurrection. "Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies, having a wife but no children, the man must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother." (Luke 20:28) They were confused and wondered who the woman would marry when she was dead. Jesus ended up responding to them saying, "those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage" (Luke 20:34) This means that the woman would not be married to any other person after she has died.

Jesus was also questioned on which commandment that he thought was the greatest. "Which commandment is the most important of all?" (Mark 12:28) Jesus ended up responding to this question by stating that there are two commandments, which both consist of love. These are love for God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5) and love for your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18).

These questions were asked to try and stump Jesus or get him to admit to spreading false information, but in turn they were unsuccessful in their attempts and had to walk away without anything else to say.

IV. Betrayal Wednesday
The mid day of the week was one where everything seemed quiet, but there was many things going on since this is where Judas went to deceive Jesus and got to the chief priests and scribes. These Jewish leaders were still looking for a way to arrest Jesus and have him put to death for blasphemy. "He went away and conferred with the chief priests and officers how he might betray him to them." (Luke 22:4).

V. Passover Thursday
After the betrayal of Judas happens the day before, the downturn towards the death of Christ continues on this day. During this day the Passover occurs which happened on the day of Unleavened Bread, for which the Passover lamb was sacrificed. There was also the Lord's Supper which occurred. During the Lord's Supper, Jesus breaks bread and shares wine. The representation of Christ's body is by the bread, "And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me." (Luke 22:19) and his blood is by the wine, "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood." (Luke 22:20).

During this night Jesus also foretells of the denial of Peter as well as their being a dispute among the disciples as to which once was the greatest. Jesus also goes during this time to the garden of Gethsemane where he prays to God. It is here where he wrestles with the coming events and asks the Father to remove the cup of wrath from him, although he knows that that will not be the Lord's will. An angel from heaven comes to help give him strength during this time because it is during this time that also because of the agony he was going through that, "he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." (Luke 22:44). The temptation to not go through with the death became so great that he was literally sweating blood, but came to the contentment that it was God's will for him to die for the sins of the world.

VI. Good Friday
This day was the hardest day in the life of Jesus and it dealt with the final hours of his life leading to death on a cross at the end of the day. The events begin with Judas Iscariot coming to Jesus in the garden with the Jewish leaders and betraying Jesus with a kiss, "The one I will kiss is the man." (Mark 14:44). After this action, though, Judas ends up feeling remorse and goes and hangs himself on a tree.

After this Jesus had to deal with false accusations, condemnation, mockery and abandonment. He ended up going through many trials, which seemed fixed and only ended up condemning him more. He was delivered to Pilate who brought him in front of the Jewish people, who all cried out, "Crucify, crucify him!" (Luke 23:21). He was then led to away after being condemned to a capital punishment of crucifixion. During this, he is tormented, mocked and spit upon. He also had to carry his own cross to the site where his death would occur. Once, at Calvary, he was again mocked and nailed to the old, rugged cross. On the cross during the mockery, Jesus says, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

From the sixth hour to the ninth hour, there was a darkness over the land and it was here that the temple was torn in two and Jesus called out to the Father, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" (Luke 23:46). After this, Jesus took his last breath and died. After his death, Joseph of Arimathea, took his body and had it laid in a tomb.

VII. Buried in the Tomb Saturday
During this day, many of the people rested because it was the Sabbath. The body of Jesus was guarded by Roman Soldiers during the day on Saturday. After the Sabbath was over, women came with Joseph to the tomb to treat the body of Jesus with spices and ointments.

VII. Resurrection Sunday!
This is the day where everything changed. The final day of the Holy Week has come and the resurrection of Jesus Christ has occurred. This is the part that is the most important, as because if Christ has not risen then our faith is in vain. The truth, though, is that he has risen and our faith is secure in Jesus Christ if we just believe in him. This truly is great news!

When the women went to go back to the tomb to put more spices and ointment on the body of Christ, they end up finding out that the body is gone. An angel said to them while they were confused, "Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen" (Luke 24:5)

During his resurrection, Christ appeared at least five different times to his followers. The gospel accounts of the eyewitnesses that occurred show undeniable evidence that the resurrection of Jesus actually happened. Many of the followers of Christ right after this time, ended up dying very gruesome deaths for their faith and willingness to not deny Christ when they were forced to. The empty tomb is one of the strong cases for the actual resurrection of Christ, that still today people flock to the area to get a chance to see the exact tomb that he was buried in, even some 2,000 years later.

The Working Life

One of the hardest things to do everyday is to get up and go to work knowing that there is going to be lots of stress involved. Work usually equals stress at some point, no matter how much you try to deny it. Stress can also be a big contributor to tics and anxiety being pushed through the roof. Normal tasks that may seem easy for most people to take on, may end up being a little more difficult for someone who has Tourettes. Ever since I have started to work, stress has always been there and that means my tics tend to be at their very worst during this time. Facial tics are the ones that always end up rearing their ugly heads when I feel that I am being pressed for time or taking on too much work than I should be. This usually ends up causing my neck to start twitching because of anxiety leading to many of the back problems that I have been currently experiencing. It is hard to explain TS, though, to a boss because they may see it as being just an excuse to get out of doing work to be lazy or as a sign that what they expect is not something that will ever be lived up to. Even trying to tell other employees could end up getting unwanted stares, even though all you are trying to do is educate them. Sometimes it seems like the best thing to do is to be quiet about it and work as hard as you can to get the work done. Some of the best ways that I try to cope with this stress to help me get through the work day include:

• Holding the tics in (this may be good for some days, but others can be extremely difficult as well as painful)
• Not caring and just letting the tics fly when they come (can really help, but makes me look weird causing others to stare)
• Putting my focus on the work that I am doing (can help as long as there is lots of work that needs to be done)
• Walking away from the work and taking a few minutes for a break (can really help to destressed and allow tics to come out that may be been suppressed)
• Taking deep breaths (puts focus off of the work and to a relaxing state of mind)
• Saying a little prayer to God (God is the one who is ultimately in control of the situation and praying is always the best stress reliever)

No matter the situation or method that is used, the best way to look at the work day is to focus on those things that can be controlled and to not put much pressure on those that are not able to be controlled. Those things that are not controlled are best left up to God and his purposes for letting them happen (since he is the one that is sovereign). One thing I have noticed is that some people will understand the disability or want to know more, while others tend to not care and demand work still get done or they will find someone else to do the job. The latter might not be the best way to approach the situation, but it seems to be the attitude of many who choose to stay in the dark about Tourette Syndrome or other little known about disabilities. I will say that I have not always had the most glorious jobs, but I do find the rewards that I can get from them when they do come. This in turn can help to be one of my motivators when the stress does come and to know that it is just a part of the working life. Hope that this has helped in understanding some of the issues that a person with TS might have in the work environment as well as some ways that can be used to help deal with that stress (whether you have TS or not). Feel free to comment or ask any questions. Thanks for reading and until next time, Take care and God Bless!

Raw and Uncut: Part 5

This will be the last part in the series Raw and Uncut. Even though I was saved, life still continued to be difficult for me and the trials began to become severe at times the more I learned about the gospels and Jesus Christ. My tics and anxiety still frustrate me, but I have gotten to the point where I am at most times able to control them, especially when I am in public. Through the these trials, I am learning daily to put my trust in Christ and to lean on him for my strength.

After being saved and having my mom pass was very difficult for me, but as I mentioned in my last post, continuing to serve in the church and growing relationships helped me lead me to being healed. In July of 2009, I went on a camping trip with some friends from church for the weekend. I came back home to find my apartment broken into with many of my valuables stolen. These included a my laptop, a cd box collection, state quarter map, all my CDs and DVDs and a guitar plus amp. The only item that I have since replaced was my laptop, which I still have to this day. At the time, I was completely devastated and wondering why this happened, but I soon came to the realization that things in this life do not happen by chance, but are orchestrated by God. I now look at this situation as one of cleansing, since many of those items were detestable in the site of God and would keep me in the past life that I would now slowly be moving away from.

Months and months went by and many of the activities that I enjoyed doing while I was in college seemed to become unattractive to me, like getting drunk every weekend or going out to bars. I also slowly seemed to move away from hanging out with many of the friends that I had made while in college and turned my attention to the friends and activities that surround the church.

During my early years of being a Christian, I also became deeply interested in prophecies, conspiracy theories and topics about the New World Order. I listened pretty much daily to these to the point where I was pretty much at times living paranoid. This paranoid time also caused my tics to go crazy as I would also be nervous about what might happen and if I truly was prepared if this New World Order would succeed in coming about. I felt at times as if I was studying and focusing all my attention on this topics and news articles rather than studying scripture and praying. My pornography abuse would become strong during these times as well and this also caused many hardships in relationships that I tried to have. I did eventually leave the church that I was attending based on many different factors that at that time I felt strongly about, which included that there were Freemasons attending the church and witchcraft going on. I never really found out if these were in fact true.

One day I was searching the internet and ended up finding out about Reformed doctrine on the internet and came to the realization that this was what I truly believed and wanted to find somewhere to attend that preached it. I did some research and found a church called Grace Church near where I lived. From the first time that I stepped foot in this church, I have felt that I have finally found a home that I could belong to and grow in God's word. I ended up going through a discipleship program with the Pastor of this church within the first couple of months of attending and got baptized towards the last couple of weeks of my discipleship. This time was also when I ended up breaking free from being caught up in studying conspiracies and starting to put my faith in the fact that God is sovereign and he is in control of all of the events that take place in this world. I ended up becoming a member of the church later that year and know that this is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Through my times at this church, I have continued to grow in God's grace as well as his word and developing many friendships with the members of the church. I have had a couple of relationships while attending this church, but they have both ended pretty roughly as God was not at the center of the relationship. My struggle with pornography has still been ongoing, but I will say that currently as of this moment that I am a month strong in victory and have no desire to go back to viewing it. This has been the longest that I have ever been in victory over this particular sin in 20 years. With all this said, we all have our trials and disabilities that we struggle with, it is truly how we deal with them that matter and where our trust is. As long as we fully trust in God and what he has done for us, then all things will be possible. I have no clue where the rest of my life will lead me, but I do know that it is in God's hands and that I fully trust him more than ever. If you are ever struggling, remember, God is only a prayer away and will never leave your side if you put your trust in him. God Bless and until next time, Take care.

Raw and Uncut: Part 4

Once I started working, I still continued the life of partying and drinking and leading my life down a dangerous path. I felt like I was searching for something, but had no clue what it was or how to even find it. The suicidal thoughts just kept coming and it seemed at time like the best option since I was seeming to be going nowhere in life and the tics just continued to drive me crazy. I ended up at one point moving into a house near the college campus, about 10 minutes, with three other friends that smoked weed. I pretty much drank and smoked after I got off work in what seemed like every day that I lived there, which ended up being 4 months. I also ended up driving drunk twice while I lived there. One time I ended up busting my tire and had to fix it the next day, which happened to be 4/20. This got me very upset because I would have rather had been smoking than fixing the tire. The other time was after a party and I ended up blacking out and coming to right in front of my bathroom mirror. I was a little freaked out, but it wasn't enough at that time to change my habits. Partying all night and then going to work the next day was even something I did around this time, not something I recommend.

Although, I had driven home drunk a couple of times before, it didn't phase me because I was still close to the place I was drinking. I ended up moving out of the house that June and into an apartment about 30 min from the campus. On a night after a Halloween party on the college campus, I ended up getting really drunk to the point of blacking out again and drove home. I woke up on my couch the next morning having no clue of this because the last thing I remembered was talking to a friend at the party. This freaked me out even more than the last time because of all the possibilities that could have happened while I was blacked out. I remembered back to my days in church and then I proceeded to get on my knees and cry out to God wondering why I was still alive and what his purpose was for my life. 

After this, I got up and got in contact with a friend and started to attend a church, which was around Christmas time of 2008. Also, during this time I started to look up bible prophecy stuff online and came across the New World Order and conspiracies and how they tied together. After two weeks of going to church, the most devastating thing happened and that was the death of my mother. This was hard to take in and I was frustrated and angry and asked why God would lead me back to the church and then take my mom away from me. All I got back was keep going and you will see the full picture in due time. I felt the thoughts of suicide start to come back, but I decided to go back to church and went to a class that I was able to ask questions and understand the bible more. I then got more involved in the church through serving and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior for all that was going on in my life and the changes that were happening. 

It is amazing to look back at this time and see all that the Lord was doing in my life to bring me back into a relationship with him. The reason for this sudden change of thoughts from suicidal and hopelessness to a one of hope and faith is still a mystery to me, but is a true show of the power of God. It also shows that He is the only one that can change our thoughts and that without him we are totally depraved and heading for destruction. How do my tics and life go after my now devoted relationship with Christ has started to begin? I will continue this in my last part. Until then, take care and God Bless.
 

Raw and Uncut: Part 3

This is the third part of my story. If you have not, please read the first two parts of this series before reading this one. Thanks and I am now going continue with where the last one left off. After high school, I started to adjust to life after not taking drugs for my TS. I found a love for alcohol (hard liquor that is) on my 19th birthday when I tried it for the first time. I ended up attending college in the fall of 2002 and lived at home for the first year and a half. This situation frustrated me the most because all I wanted to do was move out and escape from all the bad situations that occurred to me living at home. I thought that if I were to move out, then I would not have to worry about focusing on my tics much anymore, since I had stopped taking the drugs. This was the wrong idea because the tics would always be there whether I chose to ignore them or not. I also started to feel a heightened state of anxiety start to come in during this part of my life. I continued to participate in cross country and track in college to help with the anxiety and tics. 

I was finally able to move on to campus at the college during the second semester of my sophomore year. This led to me finding out all the social activities that really went on during the night time hours at the campus, especially at fraternity row. Fraternity row basically consisted of 4 fraternity houses and 2 sorority houses grouped together in a cul-de-sac. From this, I ended up pledging a fraternity during the same semester. The night that I turned in my fraternity bid ended up being the second night of my life that I got completely drunk to the point of blacking out. I was told that I ended up spending the whole night, even during a party going on, at at toilet throwing up. The pledging during this semester had to be put on hold, though, after the only other pledge ended up getting arrested for drinking and driving on Easter weekend. It was hard having to wait over the summer to find out who the new pledges would be. I continued during that semester to get completely drunk to help tone out the horrible academic performance that I was doing.

Once joining the fraternity, things seemed to go well for me socially. I felt that I had finally found what I was looking for and was constantly surrounded by partying and many activities that were going on during that time. I pretty much got drunk to the point of blacking out on average about once a week and seemed to not really care that this was going on. I felt like no one was understanding the inner struggle I always seemed to have, which makes me feel at times like I am bipolar. My tics continued to increase at this time, although I don't really remember any of the ones I was doing. I usually just played everything off and laughed with everyone as they joked about it.

Also during this time, I was continuing my downward spiral of looking at pornography. I will not go into it, but I have definitely gone down depths during this time that I am too ashamed to even mention in this blog. Thankfully, with the blood of Christ, I have been able to overcome many of these addictions in the realm of pornography. This was hard to deal with because I felt like I could not bring anything up to the brothers for fear of being laughed or looked at weird. I felt that they could not fully understand my addiction to the pornography and this caused me to start getting a distorted view of the opposite sex. At this time of struggle, all I could see around me were people talking about SEX, SEX, SEX and at times I felt completely hopeless and alone.

Stealing for projects around the fraternity house and also just for fun or the thrill happened during my time in college. I even ended up smoking weed for the first time a couple months after my 21st birthday after one night once the cross country season had ended, I decided to hang out with my old pledge brother, who got arrested, while he was rolling on acid. This was a bad idea because along with another friend, we ended up driving for two hours to get this kid home and then after we got back to campus, I ended up smoking my first bowl. I continued to smoke weed pretty regularly for the next 4 years. I never recieved an A in college and had a semester of a couple of Fs and Ds because I seemed to not really care much about studying and only hanging out with friends and having fun. During all this time, I never even thought once of going to church as I did during my time in high school. I felt that during this time that God had deserted me and that I was completely alone without anyone to really care about me. I pretty much wanted to kill myself like I thought about doing after the one incident in high school. I felt that if I drank too much, I would be able to succeed that way, but it always ended up with me blacking out and then waking up the next day with a hangover and many bad memories to hear about the next morning. I ended up graduating college barely with a 2.0 and no job in site to start after my college years were over. I was about to head out into the real world with no experience and a hell of a college experience. How will I handle trying to getting a job? Once I finally am able to, how does that affect my life? I will continue this in my next part. 

If you have any questions or comments about this blog, please feel free to leave them. Thanks and until next time, take care and God Bless!

Proclaiming the Gospel through Missions

The Great Commission

I would like to say that along with bringing awareness of my Tourette Syndrome and the glory that God has shown me through my trials that some of my posts will also deal with topics that are of interest to me and that I support. One of these is of missions and the Great Commission that Jesus left the disciples as he was departing the world to head home to sit at the right hand of God. Missions is very important because it is helping in God's plan to bring about new churches and call new believers to Him. Until everyone in the world has heard the gospel of Jesus Christ, there will still be a need for missions. Here is the Great Commission verse out of Matthew 28:16-20,

“Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

From this verse, we can see that proclaiming the gospel to others and making them disciples is one of main duties that followers of Christ have. There are many people in the world that have never heard the gospel and by following this command by Jesus, we help to bring them into the awareness of it and the glory of God. Here is a verse from Romans 10:13-15 stating that there needs to be those that are sent so that people who have not heard the gospel are able to hear it.

"For "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!""

If no one is sent to the places where the gospel is not heard, then how will they be able to know about Christ and the salvation that he has brought to this dying world? In order for a person to believe and call on the name of the Lord, they will need a missionary to come to them with the gospel so that they are able to hear it and have God open up their heart to receive the gift that he has freely given them. 

Quotes on Missions

Here are some quotes on Global Missions.

Charles Spurgeon

"If there be any one point in which the Christian church ought to keep its fervor at a white heat, it is concerning missions. If there be anything about which we cannot tolerate lukewarmness, it is in the matter of sending the gospel to a dying world."

John Piper

"Missions is not the ultimate goal of the Church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t."

Hudson Taylor 

"The Great Commission is not an option to be considered; it is a command to be obeyed"

David Livingstone

"If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" 

John Stott 

"We must be global Christians with a global vision because our God is a global God."

K.P. Yohannan

"Believers who have the gospel keep mumbling it over and over to themselves. Meanwhile, millions who have never heard it once fall into the flames of eternal hell without ever hearing the salvation story."

My Part in Global Missions

Along with many people needing to hear the gospel overseas, there are others here in the United States that truly need to hear and believe the gospel. Currently, the only missions work that I am involved in is in my daily life with those around me. I believe that this area is just as important as anywhere else in the world. I have thought of serving overseas, but have not yet decided on where to go. This would be a big decision for me as I have yet to even travel outside of the United States. I do, though, currently support many ministries that go overseas to spread the gospel and fulfill the Great Commission that way. There are three ways that are seen to help in missions work; to go and serve, to support those that do serve and to pray for those that serve. I hope that this has opened your eyes to the need of missions work in the church and the call that Christ has given to bring the gospel to the whole world. Take care and God bless.

Raw and Uncut: Part 2

This part of my story is the most hardest for me to reveal, as the most pain that I have been through was during this time. Despite it all, I am thankful for what I have gone through as now I am so grateful that God has saved me from my wretchedness. Before continue with my story, I would like to rewind and cover something I forgot to mention in my last post that happened before my diagnosis of Tourette Syndrome. After my mom got divorced, she ended up dating someone new, who is now my stepfather. At first I was unsure how I should react to this situation since it was within a couple of years after my parents divorce. The one thing that I will say is that I am thankful that they did not get married until I was much older, as I am not certain how I would have handled it, especially once things started to go crazy in my teen years.

After finding out about the TS, things seemed to be all about medication and seeing a doctor for suppressing the tics and calm me down. I am not certain how many types of medications that I was on or even what they were, all I know is that when it comes to many of the memories during that time it seems all a blur, except for some of the summer camps that I attended. There were definite instances of rage attacks, or storms, that I had in which I attacked my family members, including my grandmother and my mom. This tore me up inside because I felt like I had no control and could not stop once they had started. The best thing that I knew is that once they did start, the best thing would be to let me have my space and then once I was ready to then confront me. During this time, I would also try on several occasions to run away from home because of the pain and just not wanting to deal with things anymore. Along with having these rage attacks, I would also have cases where I would just blackout. I am not sure why this was happening, but it was very frustrating and made me have to have someone come pick me up from school numerous times. One of my best outlets during this time was being involved in playing baseball and basketball in a church league.

In high school, I started to date and I also ended up losing my virginity to my first girlfriend a couple of months after my 15th birthday. A few months later I found out that she cheated on me and I was devastated but did not have the strength to break anything off. This activity continued on for a little while longer, which destroyed my spirit even more, even though I had no idea that I was doing this to myself. The relationship ended because I could not maintain a real relationship because of my addiction to pornography. My next girlfriend ended up feeling the effects of this relationship as well as my medication from doctors try to suppress the Tourettes that I had. I ended up getting my first job at a health food store near my house as a stock clerk at the age of 16. It was during this time that I also became depressed because of all the different types of medication that I was on and the fear of having to constantly be on it for the rest of my life. Having this depression eventually led to me being prescribed an antidepressant called Zoloft. One day after not taking the Zoloft for about a week while I was viewing pornography on my computer, my girlfriend at the time walked in and we got into an argument. During the argument, I proceeded to hit her because of the rage that was caused by the withdrawals and being caught viewing the pornography. She ran out of the room and I went into my bathroom and found a box-cutter, that I had from work, and proceeded to cut my arm. I still have the scar from the cut on my left arm. I basically wanted to kill myself, but ultimately could not go through with carrying out the task. Not killing myself made me more depressed because I felt like I even failed at that after showing myself that I failed at being a good boyfriend. I ended up staying with the girl for a year and a half, but had to break it off because I could not bear the person I was becoming because of the pornography and drug that I was on. After this breakup, I ended up trying alcohol for the first time on my 19^th birthday. Little did I know how this would affect my life in my college years. How will my Tourettes go in my college years? How much of a part will alcohol play? I will go in to these in my next part. Until then, God Bless!!

Confidence in Christ

As someone who is a Christian, my ultimate purpose is to show other's the love of Christ and the gospel. As someone who has Tourette Syndrome, I have tics and anxiety that are with me every second of every day while I am in this fleshly body, but once I am dead and gone where will I go? That was a big question that I asked myself once I was saved. The answer lies in if I have put my faith and confidence in God and the sacrifice that he made through Christ on the cross. This action actually happened for me once I was saved and put my confidence in Christ. This confidence can help when the anxieties and tics seem to be at the worst and causes the most harm to emotionally and physically. I can not just walk away from myself when I get frustrated with my tics, other people can, and this is really difficult. This difficulty has led me sometimes to feel utterly alone without anyone to truly understand what I am going through. My faith and confidence in Christ, though, has shown me that God loves me to the point of dying for me and that I am not alone as long as my focus is on him, since he has already experienced life's hardship when he came to earth in the flesh and died. It is through this faith that I was shown that no matter how alone I do feel, that God is always there and never moving away. He is always a prayer away from me discussing the problems that I am going through and help me see the situation and life through his eyes and not mine. I would like to now share two videos that I have just recently found that are very inspiring (at the end of the post). One is of a girl named, Lena, who has TS and uses flash cards to help bring about the awareness and show her story about the acceptance of it. The other video is of a well known singer named, Jamie Grace, who also has TS and talks about her diagnosis as well as struggles living with TS. Besides these two both having TS, they are also both Christian and passionate about their faith and telling others about it. I hope you enjoy these and remember that even though TS or disabilities can be clearly seen in these fleshly bodies, we are eternal, and our faith should be in Christ if we are to have any hope for a life after death. Until next time, Take Care and God Bless!!

Lena's note card video round two.

Jamie Grace - Dealing with Tourettes

Raw and Uncut: Part 1

I want to first start this off by giving my story (or testimony). This will help to give a background on me and an idea of what I have gone through and will shed a light on the reasons why I am currently struggling with certain issues. These events are from my point of view in how I saw them. I was born in 1983 in Atlanta, GA. I am also a twin and the younger one by one minute, my brother's name is Thomas. I grew up in a home that was Christian went to church, but I only went and did not really care too much about understanding what was written in the Bible or what they were teaching. I started off going to a Methodist Church and then once I was playing sports, which included baseball and basketball, we switched and starting going to a Baptist Church that held the sports. I made lots of friends through the churches, but still did not really care about God's word. While I was about 7, my parents ended up getting divorced. One night after the divorce, my dad broke into our house and ended up having an argument with my mom which got to the point the cops had to be called and he was led out and arrested. This really scared me and the face of my father from this night still haunts me to this day. I also remember my mom crying and feeling sorry about what just happened. The next day I went to school but did not stay long because I was too upset and could not focus in school because of the incident.

When I was around 10 years old, I ended up having my first exposure to pornography through some magazines that were stored away in my house. I had no clue what to feel about these except for that they really aroused me and this set me on a destructive path that I have only recently started to overcome with the blood of Christ. This has become one of the biggest sins that I have been battling, which ultimately stems from pride, lust and coveting. Some of my posts may stem from my struggles and victories in this area. It will be difficult posting these, but I hope that by doing this that I will help show others the power of God working in my life and have them see that by truly trusting in him and putting their faith in him alone, that they can claim victories as well. As long as our focus is on the Lord during our struggles, then we will not be focusing on the temptation, but on him who has already defeated it and it will lose it grip on us.

The hardest year in school that I ever had was my 5th grade year. This would be the time that I struggled the most with these movements and anxieties that I had no clue what they where or had any control over. The teacher seemed to have it out for me and all the work seemed to be hard, no matter how much I tried to succeed. The best part of the year from my memory, would have to have been going to Camp Wahsega. Participating in the activities and hearing the ghost stories helped to make a hellish year a little easier to swallow. After my 5th grade year, I started off the year still struggling and after my teacher had to ask the class where the "owl" noises were coming from, my mom decided to have me see a doctor to see what was wrong with me. I ended up being diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, OCD and ADHD. I have found out that Tourette Syndrome is a nervous system (neurological) disorder that starts in childhood, though it is hereditary. It is characterized by multiple physical (motor) tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic. Some of the tics that I remember having at the time included an owl sound, moving my head to the side trying to move the hair out of my face (even when I got my head shaved), trying to straighten my back right leg as I walked and having to touch every wall that I walked by. I was unsure exactly at that time what was truly wrong with me, but tried to live the best I could with it. How will I face life after having now being diagnosed? I will continue the story in my next post. Take Care and God Bless.

New Beginnings

This is my newest post in almost 3 years. A lot has happened since my first posts on this and I will most likely be taking this blog in a new direction than where it was a few years ago. For one thing, I am currently single, unlike at the time of my last post. I have also moved about 30 minutes away from the past home that I was in and now working at a different company, which I feel comfortable at, but hope that it is just a stepping stone to where I want my career to go. In regards to my running, I am currently training for a full marathon this fall. It does still seem like a tall order, but one that I feel I can conquer as I have already done with the half marathons by completing two of them. Another thing is that Tourette's, which has always been a part of my life, has become a very big focus of my life now. Currently, I am the new Event Coordinator for an organization called Tourette Fellowship. I am now looking at this syndrome, which is painful as well as annoying, as a gift from God rather than the curse that I have always seen it as. I would like to help others who are struggling with this affliction, by showing them that even though they are going through rough spots because of this, that they can still succeed and enjoy their life to the fullest as well as live a life devoted to God. Everyday of my life has always been a struggle, but the one thing that has helped me stay focused and continue to fight for the cure and for the awareness is my faith in God through my savior Jesus Christ. Many of my posts will deal with the constant battles that I have to face daily, including sin as well as my tics, and the pain that both afflict on my life. Running, which has been a main constant in my life for the past 15 years, is one of the few activities that can calm my tics as well as take my focus off of my sinful desires. I hope that through this blog I am able to help show others that struggle with this syndrome that they are not alone as well as remind me that I am not alone. I would also like to show others the love that Christ has shown me by saving me from a life of complete ruin and suicidal thoughts to the point of trying to kill myself multiple times in high school as well as in college to one of complete hope and faith. God Bless to any and everyone who reads this.