Raw and Uncut: Part 2

This part of my story is the most hardest for me to reveal, as the most pain that I have been through was during this time. Despite it all, I am thankful for what I have gone through as now I am so grateful that God has saved me from my wretchedness. Before continue with my story, I would like to rewind and cover something I forgot to mention in my last post that happened before my diagnosis of Tourette Syndrome. After my mom got divorced, she ended up dating someone new, who is now my stepfather. At first I was unsure how I should react to this situation since it was within a couple of years after my parents divorce. The one thing that I will say is that I am thankful that they did not get married until I was much older, as I am not certain how I would have handled it, especially once things started to go crazy in my teen years.

After finding out about the TS, things seemed to be all about medication and seeing a doctor for suppressing the tics and calm me down. I am not certain how many types of medications that I was on or even what they were, all I know is that when it comes to many of the memories during that time it seems all a blur, except for some of the summer camps that I attended. There were definite instances of rage attacks, or storms, that I had in which I attacked my family members, including my grandmother and my mom. This tore me up inside because I felt like I had no control and could not stop once they had started. The best thing that I knew is that once they did start, the best thing would be to let me have my space and then once I was ready to then confront me. During this time, I would also try on several occasions to run away from home because of the pain and just not wanting to deal with things anymore. Along with having these rage attacks, I would also have cases where I would just blackout. I am not sure why this was happening, but it was very frustrating and made me have to have someone come pick me up from school numerous times. One of my best outlets during this time was being involved in playing baseball and basketball in a church league.

In high school, I started to date and I also ended up losing my virginity to my first girlfriend a couple of months after my 15th birthday. A few months later I found out that she cheated on me and I was devastated but did not have the strength to break anything off. This activity continued on for a little while longer, which destroyed my spirit even more, even though I had no idea that I was doing this to myself. The relationship ended because I could not maintain a real relationship because of my addiction to pornography. My next girlfriend ended up feeling the effects of this relationship as well as my medication from doctors try to suppress the Tourettes that I had. I ended up getting my first job at a health food store near my house as a stock clerk at the age of 16. It was during this time that I also became depressed because of all the different types of medication that I was on and the fear of having to constantly be on it for the rest of my life. Having this depression eventually led to me being prescribed an antidepressant called Zoloft. One day after not taking the Zoloft for about a week while I was viewing pornography on my computer, my girlfriend at the time walked in and we got into an argument. During the argument, I proceeded to hit her because of the rage that was caused by the withdrawals and being caught viewing the pornography. She ran out of the room and I went into my bathroom and found a box-cutter, that I had from work, and proceeded to cut my arm. I still have the scar from the cut on my left arm. I basically wanted to kill myself, but ultimately could not go through with carrying out the task. Not killing myself made me more depressed because I felt like I even failed at that after showing myself that I failed at being a good boyfriend. I ended up staying with the girl for a year and a half, but had to break it off because I could not bear the person I was becoming because of the pornography and drug that I was on. After this breakup, I ended up trying alcohol for the first time on my 19^th birthday. Little did I know how this would affect my life in my college years. How will my Tourettes go in my college years? How much of a part will alcohol play? I will go in to these in my next part. Until then, God Bless!!