This is the third part of my story. If you have not, please read the first two parts of this series before reading this one. Thanks and I am now going continue with where the last one left off. After high school, I started to adjust to life after not taking drugs for my TS. I found a love for alcohol (hard liquor that is) on my 19th birthday when I tried it for the first time. I ended up attending college in the fall of 2002 and lived at home for the first year and a half. This situation frustrated me the most because all I wanted to do was move out and escape from all the bad situations that occurred to me living at home. I thought that if I were to move out, then I would not have to worry about focusing on my tics much anymore, since I had stopped taking the drugs. This was the wrong idea because the tics would always be there whether I chose to ignore them or not. I also started to feel a heightened state of anxiety start to come in during this part of my life. I continued to participate in cross country and track in college to help with the anxiety and tics.
I was finally able to move on to campus at the college during the second semester of my sophomore year. This led to me finding out all the social activities that really went on during the night time hours at the campus, especially at fraternity row. Fraternity row basically consisted of 4 fraternity houses and 2 sorority houses grouped together in a cul-de-sac. From this, I ended up pledging a fraternity during the same semester. The night that I turned in my fraternity bid ended up being the second night of my life that I got completely drunk to the point of blacking out. I was told that I ended up spending the whole night, even during a party going on, at at toilet throwing up. The pledging during this semester had to be put on hold, though, after the only other pledge ended up getting arrested for drinking and driving on Easter weekend. It was hard having to wait over the summer to find out who the new pledges would be. I continued during that semester to get completely drunk to help tone out the horrible academic performance that I was doing.
Once joining the fraternity, things seemed to go well for me socially. I felt that I had finally found what I was looking for and was constantly surrounded by partying and many activities that were going on during that time. I pretty much got drunk to the point of blacking out on average about once a week and seemed to not really care that this was going on. I felt like no one was understanding the inner struggle I always seemed to have, which makes me feel at times like I am bipolar. My tics continued to increase at this time, although I don't really remember any of the ones I was doing. I usually just played everything off and laughed with everyone as they joked about it.
Also during this time, I was continuing my downward spiral of looking at pornography. I will not go into it, but I have definitely gone down depths during this time that I am too ashamed to even mention in this blog. Thankfully, with the blood of Christ, I have been able to overcome many of these addictions in the realm of pornography. This was hard to deal with because I felt like I could not bring anything up to the brothers for fear of being laughed or looked at weird. I felt that they could not fully understand my addiction to the pornography and this caused me to start getting a distorted view of the opposite sex. At this time of struggle, all I could see around me were people talking about SEX, SEX, SEX and at times I felt completely hopeless and alone.
Stealing for projects around the fraternity house and also just for fun or the thrill happened during my time in college. I even ended up smoking weed for the first time a couple months after my 21st birthday after one night once the cross country season had ended, I decided to hang out with my old pledge brother, who got arrested, while he was rolling on acid. This was a bad idea because along with another friend, we ended up driving for two hours to get this kid home and then after we got back to campus, I ended up smoking my first bowl. I continued to smoke weed pretty regularly for the next 4 years. I never recieved an A in college and had a semester of a couple of Fs and Ds because I seemed to not really care much about studying and only hanging out with friends and having fun. During all this time, I never even thought once of going to church as I did during my time in high school. I felt that during this time that God had deserted me and that I was completely alone without anyone to really care about me. I pretty much wanted to kill myself like I thought about doing after the one incident in high school. I felt that if I drank too much, I would be able to succeed that way, but it always ended up with me blacking out and then waking up the next day with a hangover and many bad memories to hear about the next morning. I ended up graduating college barely with a 2.0 and no job in site to start after my college years were over. I was about to head out into the real world with no experience and a hell of a college experience. How will I handle trying to getting a job? Once I finally am able to, how does that affect my life? I will continue this in my next part.
If you have any questions or comments about this blog, please feel free to leave them. Thanks and until next time, take care and God Bless!
I was finally able to move on to campus at the college during the second semester of my sophomore year. This led to me finding out all the social activities that really went on during the night time hours at the campus, especially at fraternity row. Fraternity row basically consisted of 4 fraternity houses and 2 sorority houses grouped together in a cul-de-sac. From this, I ended up pledging a fraternity during the same semester. The night that I turned in my fraternity bid ended up being the second night of my life that I got completely drunk to the point of blacking out. I was told that I ended up spending the whole night, even during a party going on, at at toilet throwing up. The pledging during this semester had to be put on hold, though, after the only other pledge ended up getting arrested for drinking and driving on Easter weekend. It was hard having to wait over the summer to find out who the new pledges would be. I continued during that semester to get completely drunk to help tone out the horrible academic performance that I was doing.
Once joining the fraternity, things seemed to go well for me socially. I felt that I had finally found what I was looking for and was constantly surrounded by partying and many activities that were going on during that time. I pretty much got drunk to the point of blacking out on average about once a week and seemed to not really care that this was going on. I felt like no one was understanding the inner struggle I always seemed to have, which makes me feel at times like I am bipolar. My tics continued to increase at this time, although I don't really remember any of the ones I was doing. I usually just played everything off and laughed with everyone as they joked about it.
Also during this time, I was continuing my downward spiral of looking at pornography. I will not go into it, but I have definitely gone down depths during this time that I am too ashamed to even mention in this blog. Thankfully, with the blood of Christ, I have been able to overcome many of these addictions in the realm of pornography. This was hard to deal with because I felt like I could not bring anything up to the brothers for fear of being laughed or looked at weird. I felt that they could not fully understand my addiction to the pornography and this caused me to start getting a distorted view of the opposite sex. At this time of struggle, all I could see around me were people talking about SEX, SEX, SEX and at times I felt completely hopeless and alone.
Stealing for projects around the fraternity house and also just for fun or the thrill happened during my time in college. I even ended up smoking weed for the first time a couple months after my 21st birthday after one night once the cross country season had ended, I decided to hang out with my old pledge brother, who got arrested, while he was rolling on acid. This was a bad idea because along with another friend, we ended up driving for two hours to get this kid home and then after we got back to campus, I ended up smoking my first bowl. I continued to smoke weed pretty regularly for the next 4 years. I never recieved an A in college and had a semester of a couple of Fs and Ds because I seemed to not really care much about studying and only hanging out with friends and having fun. During all this time, I never even thought once of going to church as I did during my time in high school. I felt that during this time that God had deserted me and that I was completely alone without anyone to really care about me. I pretty much wanted to kill myself like I thought about doing after the one incident in high school. I felt that if I drank too much, I would be able to succeed that way, but it always ended up with me blacking out and then waking up the next day with a hangover and many bad memories to hear about the next morning. I ended up graduating college barely with a 2.0 and no job in site to start after my college years were over. I was about to head out into the real world with no experience and a hell of a college experience. How will I handle trying to getting a job? Once I finally am able to, how does that affect my life? I will continue this in my next part.
If you have any questions or comments about this blog, please feel free to leave them. Thanks and until next time, take care and God Bless!
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