This will be the last part in the series Raw and Uncut. Even though I was saved, life still continued to be difficult for me and the trials began to become severe at times the more I learned about the gospels and Jesus Christ. My tics and anxiety still frustrate me, but I have gotten to the point where I am at most times able to control them, especially when I am in public. Through the these trials, I am learning daily to put my trust in Christ and to lean on him for my strength.
After being saved and having my mom pass was very difficult for me, but as I mentioned in my last post, continuing to serve in the church and growing relationships helped me lead me to being healed. In July of 2009, I went on a camping trip with some friends from church for the weekend. I came back home to find my apartment broken into with many of my valuables stolen. These included a my laptop, a cd box collection, state quarter map, all my CDs and DVDs and a guitar plus amp. The only item that I have since replaced was my laptop, which I still have to this day. At the time, I was completely devastated and wondering why this happened, but I soon came to the realization that things in this life do not happen by chance, but are orchestrated by God. I now look at this situation as one of cleansing, since many of those items were detestable in the site of God and would keep me in the past life that I would now slowly be moving away from.
Months and months went by and many of the activities that I enjoyed doing while I was in college seemed to become unattractive to me, like getting drunk every weekend or going out to bars. I also slowly seemed to move away from hanging out with many of the friends that I had made while in college and turned my attention to the friends and activities that surround the church.
During my early years of being a Christian, I also became deeply interested in prophecies, conspiracy theories and topics about the New World Order. I listened pretty much daily to these to the point where I was pretty much at times living paranoid. This paranoid time also caused my tics to go crazy as I would also be nervous about what might happen and if I truly was prepared if this New World Order would succeed in coming about. I felt at times as if I was studying and focusing all my attention on this topics and news articles rather than studying scripture and praying. My pornography abuse would become strong during these times as well and this also caused many hardships in relationships that I tried to have. I did eventually leave the church that I was attending based on many different factors that at that time I felt strongly about, which included that there were Freemasons attending the church and witchcraft going on. I never really found out if these were in fact true.
One day I was searching the internet and ended up finding out about Reformed doctrine on the internet and came to the realization that this was what I truly believed and wanted to find somewhere to attend that preached it. I did some research and found a church called Grace Church near where I lived. From the first time that I stepped foot in this church, I have felt that I have finally found a home that I could belong to and grow in God's word. I ended up going through a discipleship program with the Pastor of this church within the first couple of months of attending and got baptized towards the last couple of weeks of my discipleship. This time was also when I ended up breaking free from being caught up in studying conspiracies and starting to put my faith in the fact that God is sovereign and he is in control of all of the events that take place in this world. I ended up becoming a member of the church later that year and know that this is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Through my times at this church, I have continued to grow in God's grace as well as his word and developing many friendships with the members of the church. I have had a couple of relationships while attending this church, but they have both ended pretty roughly as God was not at the center of the relationship. My struggle with pornography has still been ongoing, but I will say that currently as of this moment that I am a month strong in victory and have no desire to go back to viewing it. This has been the longest that I have ever been in victory over this particular sin in 20 years. With all this said, we all have our trials and disabilities that we struggle with, it is truly how we deal with them that matter and where our trust is. As long as we fully trust in God and what he has done for us, then all things will be possible. I have no clue where the rest of my life will lead me, but I do know that it is in God's hands and that I fully trust him more than ever. If you are ever struggling, remember, God is only a prayer away and will never leave your side if you put your trust in him. God Bless and until next time, Take care.
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