The feeling of apathy is something that I have felt all too real as of late. Being apathetic was not just a feeling that I all of a sudden came upon. It was something that has been building up inside me over the years that eventually came to light recently. For the longest time, I was not fully sure of what it was that has been causing most of my pain over the years. This feeling led me all the way back to my years in elementary school, 6th grade to be exact. I was first diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome during this time and this would forever affect how I was perceived and how I began to view the world that was around me. I began to take medications for the tics to help me manage them and it seemed to be doing fine until I was in high school when I become depressed after being on one of the many I was on at that time. I was then prescribed Zoloft to help with the depressed moods that I was going through. I am unsure of exactly, but a few weeks later after not taking the medication, I began to have a rage attack after being caught viewing pornography. I then came to from the attack that had me blacked out and proceeded to go to my bathroom and slit my arm. I still had the scar on my right arm all the way until a few years ago.
Once being off the medications, the pain was then turned to alcohol which I used to suppress it due to the uncomfortableness that it brought to my life. I was able to make friends in college and proceeded to indulge in the activities of the parties with the alcohol and eventually smoking marijuana. I was truly in a state of depression that I had no way of getting out of. One of the things that happened in high school when I was 15 was that I lost my virginity and pretty much had sex all throughout high school until I was almost 19. I would then not have sex until I was married which was about 12 years later. I am unsure how much mental damage this did to my mind as I was actively into pornography during this time frame. I also view my first pornographic material when I was 8 years old. Crazy how that is when I think about it over 30 years later.
The apathy in life was beginning to mount and this added with the fact that I became aware of conspiracy theories when I was around 25 years old. These theories put a lot of information into my brain, almost at times like it was in overdrive. I became paranoid about government and institutions and the control that they had over world events. I eventual uncovered material that made me feel and even feel at times today that it does not matter how much we try, there are people in power doing everything they can to keep those like them from ever truly succeeding in this world. I have bought into this hook line and sinker, though, I do feel that a good portion of it could be correct due to the fact that we are actually in a spiritual war for our souls.
I truly know that it is only through Christ that I am able to truly break free from this bondage that I have pulled myself into. I am thankful for family and friends that are around me that truly care about my wellbeing and seeing me get the help that I have need to defeat these demons that have been in my past and truly live the life that Christ has called me to and rid myself of the apathy that I have brought on my life. God can do the same for you if you only believe in the power that the gospel holds. Until next time, take care and God Bless.
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